Satan's Sudoku

The things people say tend to be either profound, idiotic, conversational, entertaining or derogatory. If the person is of high skill with worditude, sometimes the two can be blended together like an artist mixes paint. Most of time, though, things are rather monochrome. You know when someone tries to go for one effect and ends up hitting a different one altogether? Yeah. Like that.

If you're a fellow nerd like me and read Kotaku on a daily basis, you may have found this gem among the slew of near-daily accounts of some pundit claiming Videogames as something derogatory. It's this interesting criminal watch that seems almost as obscure as terrorism. According to the media, not only are Videogames responsible for the death of school kids, but also the cause of obesity (thanks, McDonalds president), mental wonkiness such as ADD, child aggression towards parents, and now this as claimed by The Times writer Janice Turner:

Once, such kids would be the playground outcasts, but no longer. Mine are. Because, unlike the TV-hating parents, I refuse to buy them portable gaming consoles, Xboxes, GameCubes, PS2s. These are Satan's Sudoku, crack cocaine of the brain. Even the crappiest cartoon or lamest soap teaches a child about character, plot, drama, humour, life. Playing videogames, children are mentally imprisoned, wired into their evil creators' brains. And they play them - beepety-beep - on journeys, over family meals, any minute in which they find themselves unamused. And their parents never seem to say, hey, this is the bit where you pick up a book. Or game over, kids: get an inner life.

Oh burn. Wait, no. Let's take a closer examination of some of these phrases. Because these are golden! Brilliant writing, even!

These are Satan's Sudoku, crack cocaine of the brain.

I can already hear the beat start to flow. This is un-tapped potential! Keep goin'!

And they play them - beepety-beep

Oh how I wish there were audio clips of this person reciting such a vocal, rhythmic and outspoken article. I would sample it to no end. Unfortunately for her credibility, there are certain aspects of the article that are downright incorrect, and it would be an injustice for me to not point them out liberally.

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Once, such kids would be the playground outcasts, but no longer. Mine are.

So essentially what she's saying is that in some far-off time ago, children who play videogames would be playground outcasts. Yet, this is no longer the case! Because they're so popular, and are therefore cool! Sorry big momma, the kids who play games at recess are still kicked in the junk or ignored. They still band together and form little elitist circles. Times haven't changed all too much. And of course, at the end, she contradicts herself by stating that her kids are in fact playground outcasts. Way to stand up for your defense. Way to totally downplay your entire argument by saying that, despite your best intentions, your kids are still social failures. Guess it was inevitable. Guess you should give 'em their games. But wait, what's this?

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I refuse to buy them portable gaming consoles, Xboxes, GameCubes, PS2s.

There's the problem! No wonder her kids were playground outcasts, they must've looked like the coolest kids on the block with those Xboxes strapped to their back plugged into VR glasses. Of course I'm sure her intention was to include portable games in the same category as those she listed by name, but the poor writing really gives the wrong impression.

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Even the crappiest cartoon or lamest soap teaches a child about character, plot, drama, humour, life.

A bold statement! Let's investigate.

Crappy Cartoon: Garfield and Friends
Source:imdb
Evidence

Character: "The star of the series was Garfield, a lazy feline whose only desires in life were lasagna, catnaps and kicking his hapless canine companion, Odie, off the table. The show also starred Garfield's hopelessly-single owner, Jon Arbuckle."

Plot: "Each Garfield adventure featured Garfield's adventures..."

Drama: "Garfield: Arbuckle! Remember the a la mode!"

Humour: "Mr. Sprocket: Kids don't want to see a cartoon about a cat. Garfield: They're culturally deprived."

Life: "Garfield: Microwave lasagna. Possibly nature's most perfect food."

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Playing videogames, children are mentally imprisoned, wired into their evil creators' brains.

Now this, this is golden. It's a thing of beauty, taking metaphor into the wild realm of sci-fi realism where my mental image of this supposed occurrence goes wild.

Picture, if you will, a helpless nine-year-old. Cue low-frequency hum as the kid spots a Wii sitting across the room, its blue light pulsing slowly... As if in a trance, the child inches toward the device. Close-up of a chubby little hand as it grasps the Wii Remote. Flash! The kid's eyes go wild as the Wii's disc light blazes crimson and the infernal device powers on. The kid tries to scream, but no sounds emerge from his lips as he intently watches the screen before him. Rapid eye movement takes over and the child is now walking through an industrial office. People around him speak rapidly and in a foreign tongue. As he approaches a door on his left, the small rectangular pane of glass reveals that he is Shigeru Miyamoto. The door opens slowly, revealing a hooded man sitting alone in the room, his back to the entourage of Japanese business men. A brief glint of light flashes across the dagger Miyamoto now raises. It's too much for the kid to handle. He blacks out and falls, obesely, to the ground.